The Distance Between Us

Grande, Reyna. The Distance Between Us: A Memoir. New York: Atria Books, 2012.

Perhaps because I am the mother of a one and a half year old, and perhaps because I feel vulnerable due to income, future work, and stability, I took this memoir very much to heart. Grande paints such vivid pictures of her childhood in Mexico, particularly of her family relationships and their poor living conditions. Grande and her older sister and brother (Mago and Carlos) lived with their paternal, and then maternal, grandmothers while the parents were in “El Otro Lado” trying to make money to send home. Eventually, the parents return, and later the father takes the children to the U.S.

As far as an immigrant memoir, Grade depicts many of the conditions others make: economic uncertainty, young parents, difficult crossing, and culture shock in the U.S. What then stands out most are the parents and the relationships between the siblings. As the title suggests, the “distance between us” is the strained relationship between Reyna, her siblings, and the choices their parents make. At first the parents are together through the crossing, working for a few years to better their situation in Mexico. But, then the father leaves the mother for a Mexican American woman with citizenship, and the mother comes back to Mexico. Unfortunately, the mother has little prospects for work to feed her four children (Betty was born in the US) and abandons her children, and then returns, in an ugly cycle that scars her children. Eventually, the father returns for them and takes care of them (minus Betty, who ironically is the only one with citizenship in the U.S.).

Their lives in the U.S. are still difficult, as they are living with their step-mother and father, who drinks and is abusive. Nonetheless, the two adults have full-time work, and own the apartment building they live in. The children grow up with opportunities for school, college, jobs, and cars – but the emotional scars come to bear on their lives still. For Reyna, she is able to make it to college, where she finds a mentor just as her family breaks apart. Her siblings start families, move out, and disconnect. The step-mother also leaves the father because of a subsequent affair. Reyna is left uncertain about whether to care for him or to go forward with a college education. Education was something the father cared about deeply, so with the help of a mentor, Reyna takes the steps to go to college and make her own way – away from her family.

I think what was most vivid for me were the scenes of poverty and abuse set in the context of family and duty. These children love their parents and it broke my heart to think of any children who are drawn apart from their parents due to economic migration. However, Grande sympathizes with the parents by including details that show how this stress created very awful parents and family relationships. She tells of a cousin who, although in a similar situation, flaunted her mother’s wealth, because the mother never returned for her. Or her paternal grandmother who kept them malnourished and emotionally distant because she was over-worked caring for four grandchildren. While every person is understandably at the end of the abilities to cope with intense and stressful situations, I felt the pain of the children when seeing their parents abandon them or abuse them. The abuse is terrible, and yet, love is still there. It is an important look at families who have undergone this type of migration, and the narrative raises many questions: is the move to the U.S. worth the emotional stress? How does one sacrifice/give best to family? Is citizenship worth physical and emotional abuse? In some ways, Grande suggests that it is. She’s grateful for her life in the U.S. and reconciles with the father (somewhat with the mother), and knows that they may not have even survived in Mexico. But, what to do with those effects of abuse?

I think the suggestion is to write, to tell stories, to find community. Grande does just that with this memoir, but not without being as honest as possible. To that end, it’s a wonderful memoir and read.